One.Four

"I reckon I'd get away,
Being you for a day,
Oh, I wonder if I can.
Put me in a box for a little while,
Tomorrow take me out again.
Or am I already as lovely as you,
Are you in my window pane,
Looking back at me saying here I am,
You're beautiful"

Over the past several days, I've been spending most of my time alone...something I haven't done in a pretty long time. While having that "me time" is essential to anyone's emotional well-being, I guess I wasn't quite prepared to deal with this. I spent the holidays with my family, New Year's with friends, and then returned to my empty house. My "significant other" is still away for the break, and it's been difficult being separated, seeing that we spend the majority of our time together.
While I initially looked forward to having a few days to regroup and relax, something weird happened. It seems like I caught a severe case of the lonely heart blues. I was missing my friends in a major way, and my baby even more so. Since I felt so much physical separation from those that I love, it took me back to a time that threw me for a loop. Back to a time when I had yet to get a firm grasp on my identity...when I depended on those around me for self-identification and meaning. I was not ready for this one, folks! It's like it paralyzed me. I only moved from the couch to eat, shower, and go for the daily run. I was only thinking about my loved ones that weren't with me. I just felt emptiness. And that was something I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
To make a point with this post, it reminded me of how close I can be to falling. It's like it was a punch in the gut. And also a wake up call. Whenever we experience growth and maturation, it's easy to think that we'll never go back to that person that we once were. I also think that this was a result of not having the balance that I need from myself. But it reminded me that I'm not anywhere close to being where I need to be. Yes, I've grown and yes, I've done a lot to be proud about...but I'm still a work in progress. In some ways, I guess I've neglected that a bit lately. For me, I'm not yet disciplined enough to "take some time off" or take a break, because I'll let that break carry on longer than it's supposed to :)
But I posted this song along with this blog because it describes exactly how I used to feel about myself, and the nostalgia that I unexpectedly encountered as previously mentioned. I remember how I would always look to other people and want what they had. I couldn't find much worth in anything I had to offer, as a result of never previously dealing with my insecurities and lacking a healthy self-image. But just like the song says, it wasn't until I really looked in the mirror and saw that all I thought I wanted was staring right back at me telling me that I really am beautiful. It's probably such a simple lesson that many of you learned, or maybe it isn't. But it took me a long time to finally see that. Even now sometimes I lose sight of that. But none of us can be anything other than ourselves...and that's what makes life so very beautiful.

This is a clip by one of my favorites and a legend-in-the-making, Chrisette Michelle. She has not yet recorded this song, hence the abbreviated live version. But this short clip is all it takes for her to pull you in. This song is so pure, deep, and amazingly powerful. She takes me away every time I hear it, and always manages to make my eyes a little moist. She wrote this song just for me...